Frak

Arg… Things going well in my life and I’m still really depressed.

Well I guess the stress of no job and basically no money could be getting to me.. All I’ve got is maybe $30.. and that’s because a generous and awesome dude lent me 4 bucks. So after sunday, which is the day the Y automatically withdraws the mula from my account for the membership, I’ll maybe have a dollar or two if I’m lucky.

So yeah… No more putting off applying to a shitty job.

I just feel so profoundly without purpose right now and like nothing really matters. In the grand scheme of things (if indeed there is a grand scheme) it doesn’t even matter anyways, so it’s not a completely unfounded feeling. But it feels like shit to be this way. I just had a thought that maybe even though I don’t want a relationship, I may need one. For the connection and emotional support and all that jazz. Frak that, though. I’m too stubborn, I don’t want all the shit and drama that comes along with a committed relationship. I think I may just be destined for ‘out of the ordinary’ relationships. I’d love to end up in a polyamorous situation.

Okie dokie. So! I have to construct a new list of goals/things to do…

• Get off my sorry anxious ass and apply for that job tomorrow.
• Refocus myself and spend more time on my spiritual needs.
• Join a class at the Y while Erika is away for a month ( :( there goes my social life :P)
• Save $100 to pay back my mom, $300 for the burningman ticket, and the whatever thousand I need if I’m gonna take that trip to NZ. not to mention the goggles I’ll need for burningman if I don’t want sand in my eyes all the time and end up like Paul Mua’dib… and boots too… fuck.. and probably bus tickets too.
• Maybe fuck this other dude I know… I wonder if he’s any good. (lawl, I sound like a slut, probably… but sorry to disappoint, I’m not.)
• Start some seeds for the spring and the beginning of my garden.

Damn… I dont have the $20 to go to that rave or whatever the hell it is on saturday night.. it’d be so fun. I kinda want to get out more. Plus I love to dance and I bet there’d be some good techno there.

it’s really late and I somehow wasted an hour.. and I don’t even know what I was doing…
maybe I was abducted by aliens and just lost some time. hmm.. something to think about.

off to bed.