If anyone is ever interested in my current goings-on, I post semi-regularly at Crackers Don't Matter
I post about things of a personal nature, crafty things like crochet and other textile projects, and recipes and products I've tried. I try to be interesting and cover other topics I find interesting, and if you ever have any requests, feel free to comment/message me. I'd love to hear what people have to say.
I just realized.. as much as I dislike people, I love parties and the interaction with people. Some friends of mine supposedly hate people and hanging out with them, but even though I dislike people as well, I love to talk and just generally interact with them.
I also love parties because I like to be inebriated.
Arg… Things going well in my life and I’m still really depressed.
Well I guess the stress of no job and basically no money could be getting to me.. All I’ve got is maybe $30.. and that’s because a generous and awesome dude lent me 4 bucks. So after sunday, which is the day the Y automatically withdraws the mula from my account for the membership, I’ll maybe have a dollar or two if I’m lucky.
So yeah… No more putting off applying to a shitty job.
I just feel so profoundly without purpose right now and like nothing really matters. In the grand scheme of things (if indeed there is a grand scheme) it doesn’t even matter anyways, so it’s not a completely unfounded feeling. But it feels like shit to be this way. I just had a thought that maybe even though I don’t want a relationship, I may need one. For the connection and emotional support and all that jazz. Frak that, though. I’m too stubborn, I don’t want all the shit and drama that comes along with a committed relationship. I think I may just be destined for ‘out of the ordinary’ relationships. I’d love to end up in a polyamorous situation.
Okie dokie. So! I have to construct a new list of goals/things to do…
Damn… I dont have the $20 to go to that rave or whatever the hell it is on saturday night.. it’d be so fun. I kinda want to get out more. Plus I love to dance and I bet there’d be some good techno there.
it’s really late and I somehow wasted an hour.. and I don’t even know what I was doing…
maybe I was abducted by aliens and just lost some time. hmm.. something to think about.
off to bed.
A lot has happened since I last wrote here.. I don’t even know where to start.
Fuck… Well I started talking to Erika more often, and since we live so close by we started hanging out a lot, which is pretty much the catalyst for everything that has happened since.
We go to the gym together, which is really great. I like going to the gym. We also go to parties and all together.
She met a guy on a dating site, I’ll call him “Horatio”, whom I had already known from my previous job at a call center. He has a friend that I knew from school, and they have a band with two other guys. (I’ll call the dude from school “Tim”, and the other band mate that matters to this story “Pete”) Now, Horatio is pretty good looking, and I use to have a crush on him, but he’s not my type anyways.. Erika and him were starting a little friends with benefits relationship. Tim is pretty hot too.. but anyways. Erika and I went to one of their band practices (they’ve got a melodic metal kind of band.. they’re pretty good) and I was kinda eyeing Tim up. After the band practice we all went to this house party. I ended up hanging out with Pete pretty much the whole time and I could tell he was starting to like me, and he wasn’t bad looking, just not the type I usually go for if I even decide to go for someone… We talked a bit and drank a bit, but stopped short of icky straight tequila (wasn’t even the good stuff, I mean) and fun was had by all. Erika, Horatio, Pete and I walked all the way – and it was a loong way – to Pete’s house cause we wanted to watch a movie. But when we finally got to his house his mom was being bitchy and wouldn’t let us stay. I was pretty tired and decided to go home, but the rest went to Horatio’s place. Pete gave me a hug goodbye (He later told me he wanted to kiss me but then decided otherwise) and I started the insanely long walk home in heels on crazy dangerous ice at 4am in a slightly creepy area of town… Smart, aren’t I?
haha… yeah. So after that I started talking to Pete a bit more on the computer, and I started to feel more attracted to him. A few nights later Pete and Horatio were going to go to Erika’s place and we were all going to hang out, but Horatio backed out, so only Pete came. (Horatio was starting to think Erika was getting attached and crazy, but it turned out she just wasn’t eating enough and she was suffering shitty mood swings and all) Anyways! Pete didn’t have a ride back to his house after hanging out so I suggested he could sleep at my house for the night, we have an extra bed, and I told him I wouldn’t promise which bed he’d stay in, but it was a possibility that we could end up together. We had fun at Erika’s just all talking even though we didn’t watch a movie like we’d planned. Then he came over and we talked a bit more and I was being awkward and just said I wasn’t good at initiating things, so then we finally kissed. He’s a good kisser. So yeah… long story short: we ended up basically naked in my bed all night having quite a bit of fun.
One thing to understand at this point is my mom. She’s a conservative type Christian and really doesn’t like to think that I’d ever partake in any sort of unsavory activity such as extramarital sex or even drinking. So I thought that if she found us she’d be really pissed and throw a fit, but I wasn’t too worried because she usually doesn’t check my room in the morning. Just because of my bad luck, of course, she did check. Just as she was opening the door I said, “ You don’t want to come in here…” and she was so shocked, but all she asked was who he was, so I told her, and she was about to close the door, but then opened it and told me she was disappointed, I told her we didn’t actually go all the way or anything, and she left. It was so anticlimactic and weird. After my sister and mother left for school and work, we got up and after some food or whatever we watched a movie called “I Drink Your Blood”. such a wierd horror movie (fucking satanist hippies XD), but so hilarious. I totally recommend it. Overall it was actually a good day. My mom was actually okay with it, and after the longest time, I finally got some sexy time. haha
But just my luck (again), like the day after all this. Pete had mentioned this 16 year old girl he had a sort of relationship with that he said was getting too clingy. She saw the huge hickey I gave him, and said she wanted him to be a one woman kind of guy, and I knew he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He had just gotten out of a bad breakup with this girl he’d been engaged to. But somehow he thought she wouldn’t be so clingy and stupid like all 16 year old girls are. (even I was, I’m not just saying that… they just aren’t mature enough for a 19-20 year old.. geez) So he and she became girlfriend-boyfriend. It really pissed me off… It sounds sort of like I’m a bitch, I’m sure.. but think of it like this: 16 year old already clingy girl who has hardly any experience and maturity, versus a 19 year old woman (I guess.. I’m not really a girl anymore) who is intelligent, has already established that she also doesn’t want a serious relationship and that she wants sex and is way more attractive physically. I try not to be full of myself, but these are facts!
So apparently she told him after 4 days of dating that she loved him, and THAT is when he realized that it wouldn’t work out.
Exactly one week later from our initial night together, we were in bed again finishing what we started.
Yeah… Erika thought I was kind of stupid to do that I think, but I knew he knew he made a mistake, and I wasn’t going to punish myself as well for a mistake that lasted only a week. He could stand to be maybe half an inch longer, but really, he was the best out of the guys I’ve had in the proverbial sack. I enjoyed myself far more. And this time my mom didn’t catch us in bed together. I think she knows better than to come in when the door is closed now.
Yuppers.. it’s been eventful.. that’s only some of all that’s happened. Besides the list below, I’ve done more, just don’t care to write it down.
-I’ve done ecstasy now, it was incredibly fun, but I won’t do it again.
-I actually have a social life now..
-I finally have people who can crack my back for me.
-I’ve been eating far too much deep fried food lately.
-I’m fucking a lead singer in a band.
-Finally gonna get a job?
I think that’s pretty good for 2 week’s time. Am I wrong?
Otherwise, at this particular moment I’m actually in a shitty mood. no particular reason I can think of. Just not enough alone time, not enough time at the gym to get the endorphins flowing again, my toe is being stupid and hurting like a mofo, I kinda feel like I shouldn’t talk to my one friend cause he’s spending all of his time with his new girlfriend, not enough sleep, I want a good caesar salad that doesn’t have goddamn anchovies in it, and I’m just generally stressed a bit and need time away from people. I’m also starting to feel the bad pressure to get a job, I really need one but I don’t know if I can really handle one with my stupid emotional shit and anxiety and depression issues. geez.
Well it’s like 4 am now.. stupid daylight savings time. I have to go.
who knows when I’ll post again.. I always forget about my blog.
I don’t like order in chinese food.. it’s so unhealthy, and it’s rarely any good. Except for chow mein when it’s done right. I bet it doesn’t help that I’ve got major menstrual pains. And that isn’t helped by the fact that I don’t have a job and therefore have no currency with which to buy “hbc”, as they call it, so I’m stuck with the cramps, back pain, headache and feeling too hot and too cold at the same time. Getting a job would really solve all of my current problems… money-wise especially.
However, I am feeling a bit better now, but I think that’s due to the two extra strength acetametaphin(sp?) I took earlier. Huzzah for drugs! ha… yeah, not really. I really don’t like taking them.
Okie dokie.. On another topic… I’ve re-realized that I am not going to actually exercise in the morning so if I get jogging or walking it’ll be in the evening. I let other people’s laziness wear off on me. I know that if I lived with an active person, I would be active, too. My sister and mother seem to be content sitting around getting more and more unhealthy, and I just feel stuck with them. It’s so frakking frustrating. - yet another reason I need to get a job and move somehwere I will be healthier at.
So! Now my plan is to get not sick anymore (I’ve got a nasty cold coming on) and get a job at the call center that pays well so I can save up money to travel as per my plans. I am planning on taking a working vacation to New Zealand, and also to go to the Farscape convention in November… Both require quite a sum of money. The NZ thing is obviously more, though. There is also a movie making course at the university.. it might be a little to “beginner” for me, but at least it’s something.
Woot! 2009, Obama is now the president of the United States of America, Harper’s still in power here… bloody conservative.. and Yours Truly is finally (hopefully) starting to get her act together. I’m also planning to blog more regularly this year. I find writing my thoughts helps sort through them.
As for the url/title of this blog “Comandante Cleavage”: Fans of Farscape may recognize it. Crichton used it in reference to Grayza when he was on the command carrier “helping” Scorpius with the wormhole tech. It’s one of my favorite nicknames he uses.
Yup… This is just a first post.. I’ll probably elaborate on various other topics at another time. I’m watching Farscape… so I don’t really feel like concentrating on this right now.
